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Jun. 15th, 2005 @ 10:44 am My Own Thinspiration
Current Mood: determineddetermined
I'm seeing "Thinspiration" on an awful lot of info pages, and since I'm naturally curious, I thought I'd look up what it means instead of alienating myself by asking a stupid question. "What a neat word," I thought. It combines "thin" and "inspiration," and it's a neat combination. I appreciate wordplay, being in the line of "work" that I am, but now that I know it's a pro-ana power word, I'm not such a fan of it.

Within the first couple of days, I was confronted about "trying to become anorexic" because I have the "anorexia food pyramid" on my info page. I didn't even know that people took it seriously.

I can't understand why anyone would try to become anorexic. I'm recovering from an ED myself, and it's a long, terrible process. I wouldn't try to be come anorexic, but since an eating disorder is mostly mental, not behavioral, it's not hard to go from one behavior to another once the mentality is there. Given this fact, I realize that I could pick up anorexic or bulemic behaviors very easily. Given that I thought that "thinspiration" was a neat word, I could pick it up as a reason to take up those behaviors.

I know what it's like to eat nothing for breakfast, salad for lunch, and just enough for dinner so that my parent's would be suspicious and then get pissed at myself for eating over 1000 calories.

I know what it's like to eat an entire roll of pre-packaged cookie dough and then stand over the toilet and cry because it just won't come up.

I know what it's like to cry and cry, take a knife to my wrists and pierce the skin, and when that didn't do it, turn to my only friend: food.

... And I know what it's like to fight it. I know what it's like to seek help, to find health, to use yoga and weights and dance to shape my body. I wish I could remember whose info page I found this on, but someone said, "It's not a lifestyle (among other things)... It's a disease, and it's not for you."

So you don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want to be a supermodel. I don't want someone else to be my thinspiration. I want to be me before all the ED bullshit. This is who I want to be:

Yes. That used to be me, and if I have anything to say about it, that will be me again-- the right way.

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Date:June 17th, 2005 03:23 pm (UTC)
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Thanks. I'm really trying hard this time. I think I'll make it, too.